Build A Strong Marriage: Erect Boundaries With Friends of the Opposite Sex

For years as single people we have been urged to foster lasting relationships, be open, honest and learn to communicate our needs clearly and effectively in preparation for our spouse. However, once we’ve received that special person into our lives that we wish to cherish, share our hopes and dreams with and connect with on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level, most of us haven’t been taught beyond that. We haven’t been taught how or when to break ties with or “cool down” some former relationships that may be detrimental to the budding marriage covenant itself. Of course, we’re talking about being friends with those of the opposite sex.

In this day and age you may not think that men and women being friends is an issue because society is so free about what it readily accepts and people think nothing of seeing a married woman sitting in a quaint café, joking and playfully touching a male that isn’t her spouse. But as those of the faith we have to learn to nurture that which we so prayerfully desire. We want to believe that men and women can be just friends—and they can. We’d like to think that once married, neither spouse should have to give up their carefully cultivated friendships with those of the opposite sex in lieu of the marriage itself—and they don’t. There are just serious boundaries that need to be erected to make sure that the emotional needs of the two in the covenant are being fed by each other and not by an outside party.

Bruce Wilkinson, the author of Prayer The of Jabez teaches a marriage seminar on “Leaving and Cleaving” according to Genesis 2:24 that instructs married people on proper behavior for couples. The Word says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” The definition of cleaving is: to adhere closely, stick, to cling and to remain faithful. Respectfully a couple is not fully “cleaving” if their physical assistance, mental fortitude or emotions are often found outside of the home remedying someone else’s problems and creates issues within their own relationship.

While we may believe that God implores us to be givers and to do good to our neighbors and enemies, none of that supercedes Genesis 2:24 in which we are instructed to “cling” to our mate. Furthermore the Word implores us, “Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil,” (Romans 14:16 KJV). Your midnight assistance at a friend’s house may be good-natured, but a better option might be to have them call the proper authorities if they have a safety or health issue and check in with them by phone. Sure, it may seem a little secluded to function this way, but God’s Biblical laws and statutes were designed to keep the marriage solid and intact and the enemy completely out.

M. Gary Neuman a noted marriage counselor and the author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Marriage says, “You don’t have to have sex with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as—and at times even more—destructive to your marriage.” He goes on to share, “We forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the marriage [especially] when that same energy can be used to relate to our own spouse”. Meaning, lunch at that new Thai restaurant or Steakhouse that you’ve been eager to try shouldn’t be something you experience for the first time with a co-worker or a friend of the opposite sex. Your marriage and the covenant promise are rooted in discovering new things together and growing as a spiritual unit. No matter how tempted, when it comes to offers presented to you by other people, a new restaurant or grand opening of a gourmet food store is a chance to grow and build memories between you and your spouse—otherwise as a runner up or second thought, it diminishes the excitement of the experience for them.

In my non-fiction book The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate I urge readers to do what they know is Biblically right. How we are to govern ourselves in a marriage is in the scriptures. Keeping your marriage thriving takes constant effort and the Word is our guide. Christian couples should never allow friends carte blanche when it comes to their time or resources and you should never become so exhausted helping others that you have little or no time left over for your spouse. Marriage requires DAILY nurturing. God didn’t designate your husband or wife to be a spare wheel or to glean what you have leftover to give after you’ve been a “giver” to everybody else all day long. Remember, cleave to your spouse—that means that nobody comes before them, not parents, career, friends or extracurricular activities.

Just as sure as God desires for you to feel safe with the person He has entrusted you to, it is His desire for them to feel safe with you. It’s hard to feel that safety when you’re wondering what a friend of the opposite sex [whether they’re married or not] calling late at night for consolation from your spouse truly means. Friends should never come to depend on you or your spouse exclusively either. If you have friends of the opposite sex that you converse with regularly that have never engaged your spouse in conversation, let alone met them face to face—you are in error! We should never find ourselves at any level having an isolated relationship with someone that doesn’t include our spouse. Anything that excludes one spouse is a potential set up. Once you are married all of your friendships become a “package deal”. They don’t get just you or your spouse, they accept both of you, greet both of you, extend “hellos” on the telephone to both of you and include you both in any invites or activities.

So, how do we get past the awkwardness and uncomfortable feeling that our spouse can get about the camaraderie with our friends of the opposite sex and realign the boundaries and secure our personal commitment to our mate? Lunch, dinner, church socials, trips to the mall, office parties, company picnics and other functions should always include our significant other. With the aggressive society we live in, no matter how long you’ve been friends with someone it is impossible to know every notion that may have crossed their minds. Often too late, many discover that a friend of the opposite sex was simply maintaining a friendship until a more appealing option presented itself. That’s why your spouse’s presence is so very important. It reinforces to any “mustard seed hopefuls” that they don’t have a chance because your loyalty lies elsewhere.

Those like me that advocate feeding the marriage and starving any opposition to the marriage warn against, “disclosing marital strife and unresolved issues to a coworker or friend” as well as “Traveling together alone with a coworker or friend of the opposite sex,” or “Social kisses” (the mouth is an intimate organ). Researchers have also noted that many affairs begin between men and women with safe marriages at home and close friendships at work. As they regularly meet for coffee breaks and lunch, these relationships develop into deep friendships. Coworkers come to depend on these coffee rendezvous, and soon they have emotional work friendships and crumbling marriages. Dr. Shirley Glass author of Not Just Friends shares, “Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity,” and that “Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, ‘just a friend.’” From 1991 to 2000, Glass discovered in her practice that 50 percent of the unfaithful women and about 62 percent of unfaithful men she treated were involved with someone from work.

You can eliminate the problems before they arise by demoting the friendships a notch and promoting your spouse. If you let friends believe that things are going to be the same way with you now that you’re married as it was when you were single, it will be tougher for them to respect any boundaries that you try to erect later on. Prevent yourself from becoming a crutch to your friends. If they always want you to lend them your ear, learn to draw the line at some point and leave the counseling to the professionals. An occasional word of encouragement to a friend is all right as we are called to uplift each other, but it should not become a weekly pep rally or gab session where you are guiding your friend’s life and they can’t make a decision without checking in with you first.

What we all need to grasp here is that when you as a friend provide a sympathetic ear to friends of the opposite sex they can slowly begin to fashion you as the perfect mate in their mind without you even knowing it (especially if their own relationship is crumbling). The thoughts start with, “He/She is so attentive, sweet, helpful and they’re always available when I need them.” They can come to rely on your daily phone calls; it nurtures them, brightens their day and then in a weird twist they can begin to believe that they have claims on your time. Thus, we need to err on the side of caution and keep any possible intrusions at arms length while we nurture the true love that we were given.

It’s truly not about being under the watchful eye of an insecure spouse, because the majority of the time the issue isn’t insecurity or jealousy at all, but rather feelings that stem from what your spouse may feel is your friend’s inappropriateness and disrespect for the marriage covenant. Imagine that its like having the seed of a beautiful flower you hope will one day bloom that you just planted in fertile soil, you’ve barely covered it over and watered it before its dug up by someone else seeking “attention” before it (the seed) has had a chance to form roots, push itself up from the earth and grow towards the sun. Understand that your friends of the opposite sex won’t approach you with a fork tongue, horns and a pointy tail, but we need to realize that sometimes the friends that you’ve had prior to marriage can on some level feel territorial. It’s not always in the speech, sometimes it’s in the way they “need” you in the middle of the night and expect you to drop everything like you did when you were single.

In all fairness, I’m not for a second saying that all male-female relationship are premeditated, but when we enter into a marriage we still need to put personal feelings aside and heed 1 Thessalonians that says, “Abstain from all appearance of evil,” apply it to our everyday lives and make sure that if there are any improper actions that we are quick to hold our friends accountable. We can defend our friends (because we’ve known them for so long) and leave our spouse feeling “uncovered” and “exposed” by saying, “he/she didn’t mean anything by that,” instead of making it clear to your friend(s) in an appropriate manner what kind of kidding and joking will and won’t be tolerated. It is all right to say to a friend, “Listen, my husband/wife is uncomfortable with it when you…” A true friend, who is happy for you and has no selfish motives, will respect that and govern themselves accordingly.

A healthy marriage is a beautiful thing and the institution should never be entered into lightly. You should go into it fully understanding that and requiring that everyone in your circle understands how much you value it. The Word says, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder,” (Mark 10:9). Like the vinedresser in the vineyard we have to be prepared to realize that with our friends if need be we may have to cut ties a few wayward branches that have the potential to ruin a very fruitful harvest.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Linda Dominique Grosvenor has made her foray into non-fiction with the runaway bestseller The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate. Her expertise on dating and relationship issues has been used in articles for publications such as Modern Bride, Jolie, Jewel, Honey and MORE Magazine. A tireless advocate Grosvenor is also the co-founder of the Love Better Camp a non-profit organization that is dedicated to aiding individuals and families in learning to love better, which can improve their overall quality of life. Log on and visit her official website at www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com and for more information on her ministry check out www.ThePluralThing.com and www.LoveBetterCamp.com.

7 STEPS TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM

What is financial freedom? More than just a dollar amount on your paycheck, financial freedom is a state of mind. It’s the comfort of knowing you’re debt-free. Getting started with eliminating debt is easier than you think. If you follow these seven simple steps, you’ll be on your way.

1. Change the way you look at money – renew your mind!

We tend to think of money as the enemy, a scapegoat for all of our financial woes. Learn to look at money as a means to living comfortably, not the cause of your struggles. Ultimately, we are the ones who decide where our money goes. It’s not like dollar bills sprout legs and go buy a new TV, right? Money discussions can be uncomfortable for many married couples, but talking is an important first step. A good book on this is “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” by T. Harv Eker or “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki.

2. Get out of debt – owe no man anything!

Living with debt is more than a financial drain and mounting interest. It’s also constant worrying over whether you can pay your bills. Here’s the most effective (and simple) way to tackle your debt:

Start by paying off the credit card with highest interest rate. Set some specific goals here. How much extra can you pay each month? Always make more than the minimum payment. Once that card has been paid off, start working on the bill with the next highest interest. Throughout this process, you should be paying the minimum on all of the credit card bills you have. Check out this free e-course on getting out of debt (http://www.youneedabudget.com/index.php#order).

3. Don’t create any more debt – be a wise steward!

Now that you credit card balance is down to zero, you want to keep it that way. To remain debt-free, all you have to do is spend less than you take in. Easier said than done? Maybe. This is another opportunity to have a good heart-to-heart talk with your spouse about both of your spending habits.

Some people recommend cutting up all your credit cards. However, keeping one credit card as a safety net in case of emergency is perfectly fine. Keep only one card, take it out of your wallet, and put it some place less accessible – such as your family’s fire safe. The time it takes to get out the card will serve as a “cooling off” period.

4. Create a budget – count the cost!

Budget can be an unpleasant word – like ‘diet’. But don’t think of it as depriving yourselves – think of it as investing in yourselves. Which sounds better: one dinner at your favorite steak house or going to be every night knowing you’re debt-free? Think of your budget as an opportunity to cast a vision together as a couple. What’s important to both of you? Your spending should reflect your values, what you hold most dear in your heart. Here’s a simple software program you can use for creating and keeping your budget together (http://www.youneedabudget.com/index.php#order).

5. See where it goes – make a list and check it twice!

For an entire month, track everything you both spend money on – down to the last penny. Evaluate whether you are prone to making impulse purchases. Also, look at whether advance planning will help. For instance, plan your meals at least a week in advance. Multiple trips to the grocery store mean multiple opportunities for impulse purchases.

6. Start saving – plan for the future!

Build yourselves a nice cushion of cash. After you’ve lowered your debt and begun living on a budget, you should money to put into a savings account each month. When an emergency arises, you’ll have cash to cover the expenses – no need to borrow money or use a credit card.

Seek wise counsel about different kinds of accounts you can use to save money tax-free. For example, you can contribute to a 401(k) and steadily build a nice nest egg – and the difference in your net paycheck is so small you might not even notice it.

You’re not limited to stocks, bonds, and savings accounts, either. There are a lot of pretty creative ways to save money that you might not have considered before. Check out www.liveoutloud.com for some great ideas.

7. Get insurance – get yourself into good hands!

If you don’t both have enough health insurance, one accident or illness could devastate you financially. Even if you have insurance through work, evaluate whether it’s enough to prevent a financial crisis. Consider getting supplemental insurance if you believe you’re underinsured. Also, don’t overlook disability insurance. Should you find yourself unable to work, debt is guaranteed to mount. You might think extra insurance is too expensive – but you’re wrong! For most young adults, life insurance and disability insurance cost less than a dollar a day. You’ll never know unless you ask – so call around and start learning about your options.

Small changes add up quickly. Don’t let bad money habits wreck your marriage. You’ve got to both be committed to this goal if you’re going to make it happen. Financial freedom is closer than you think. Don’t wait a minute longer to achieve your dream – start on these seven steps today!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

© Jewell R. Powell, the Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. For more information, visit www.marriage101.us

Marriage is Like a Bank: Top 10 Deposits to Make Today

We’ve all heard that success is a journey, not a destination. I say that marriage is a journey, not a destination. In other words you have to constantly work at building a successful relationship; it doesn’t just happen. We know that the cares of this world: career, children, household chores, other family members, and more take up so much of our time that by the end of the day, we have nothing left to give to our spouses. In turn, our marriages are missing the very core of what it should have: love.

A successful marriage is not based on a couple having no challenges or disagreements. But it is based on how they communicate with one another day after day. The definition of communicate is: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (words or deeds); to open into each other: connect. Therefore, communicating is connecting to one another on a daily basis to strengthen and enrich your marriage. I am not talking about the day in and day out of the routine of marriage – a peck on the cheek, “Have a nice day” – to a call in the middle of the day to discuss the children or why you will be home late – to a peck on the cheek and lights out.

Marriage is a lot like a bank account. A successful couple makes daily deposits – ways to make their marriage a priority. Below are ten ways to deposit love (and they’re FREE!):

1. Kiss them passionately
2. Send an ecard (www.MyFunCards.com, www.AmericanGreetings.com, www.123greetings.com)
3. Watch their favorite show or do their favorite activity
4. Hug them and tell them how much you love and appreciate them
5. Make love to them (yes have SEX!)
6. Put the kids down early, fix a nice healthy dessert, light a candle, and just talk
7. Start a tradition (every week to take a walk, etc.)
8. Play a board game/cards
9. Find a poem or quote (internet, library, or write one) that will express your feelings (either send it or read it to them)
10. Pamper your spouse after work

Dating should not stop once you are married. Continue to court one another and offer tokens of love and appreciation. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but little signs of gratitude and courtship can go a long way to enhance your relationship.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

© Jewell R. Powell, the Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. For more information, visit www.marriage101.us

I am saved, single, and not having sex. I dedicated myself life and body to Christ at an early age. God didn’t come into my life in a storm. It was in calm; that I answered the call to become a follower of Christ. It was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done!  I am not perfect by any means. I have fallen short of the mark on several occasions. I just don’t love God but I am in love with Him. There is not a day that goes by that I am not mindful of Him.

I made a conscious decision not to have kids out of wedlock. I made a spiritual decision not to share my body outside the sanctity of marriage.  Now in my thirties, I am still standing fast to my vows. Through the passage of time, I’ve been tested and tried. I faced a rare ailment called catamenial pneumothorax. This is when a woman has a period and her lung collapse. The end result was my having an emergency hysterectomy at 28 years of age.  Years later I am still standing.

You are not married yet? You don’t have any kids? You’re in your thirties? Yes, to all the above. No. I don’t hear my biological clock ticking.  No. I don’t have any regrets about myself conscious decision to not have kids before marriage. And definitively no; I don’t feel old. Mentally that is. (Physically? we will save that for another discussion). For some unknown reasons; I have always been considered strange in my family.

Ok, so I eat out of plastic plates and spoons at restaurants and at my home. That’s not so strange. (Although, I feel guilty about using plastic ware as it’s not good for our planet. I really should go green).  Really, I ask of you, is it strange for me to have three different types of hand sanitizers in my pocketbook?  Is it strange to hold my own twenty for hour Jefferson ’s marathon?  I own seasons 1-6 on DVD!

I recall my younger years. Girls were primping get their nails and hair done wanting to impress the guys.  I was at library or in my room buried deep in a good book.  My girlfriend’s idea of having a good time was trips to the local shopping outlets.  When they were able to convince me to accompany them on one of their shopping excursions (and they were many) I would branch off. Ecstatically, to the nearest bookstore I would go. At the end of the day my girlfriend’s arms would be laden with the latest fashion in clothing. My arms would be filled with the latest releases from my favorite authors.  My friends love me dearly, but I could see the looks in their eyes saying, you are something strange.

Never had it dawn on me to change who I was to please that of others. Not that my family and friends asked me to do so.  I didn’t allow majority rules to change who I was as a person   At the time like all teen aged girls; I’ve gone through the ups and downs of finding voice and then using it.  And as a woman, I’ve gone through the rigors of life seeking to find my own identity. The process of life hasn’t always been easy. There were times when I had to get low with it. On my knees I would go to God in prayer.

When it was most difficult for me, I still believed God was going to provide my healing. You know—certain ones have to dig a little deeper. Stretch a little wider.  I had to get a little lower. On my stomach I’d go. When you want something bad from God, you forget pride.  I confess now the end results are well worth it. 

I’ve gained patience from my hellacious experience. I’ve developed confidence through faith. In the fullness of time God will unite me with the right one. Until then I remain focus; striving to stay in God’s perfect will and not permissive.   I am who God called me to be. Some may say I am strange. Others my say I am different. I say that I’m wonderfully and fearfully made.  I am one of God’s chosen. The certain one not forsaken. Chosen for Purpose. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Vanessa Richardson is an author, poet, and playwright. She written several stage productions and have been blessed to perform them at various venues. Her stage productions include: Mama Rainey, Someone To Love Me, Why Do Bad Things Happens To Good People? Lord, I Don’t Understand, and The Fullness Of Time.
Vanessa wants her readers, to be aspired toward greatness, in spite of what circumstances, may dictate to them. "With God all things are made possible to them who believe" With faith we can leap over boundaries. We can break barriers and defeat the labels of rejection.

Vanessa realized that she had not just a story to tell but many stories. Relying on God; she wrote her first inspirational novel The Certain Ones, a spiritually impacting novel that inspires her readers to know that not everyone is called into greatness. Fact: Many can not handle the process that goes along with becoming great. Only the certain ones that endure can obtain greatness. Vanessa is currently working on her Fiction novel titled Love Found Me.

Sometimes you are just confused as to whether you really love the person you are dating or it is mere attraction, and it is difficult to make a decision. Questions abound and you don’t know how can you be so sure that you’ve picked the right one? Well, the first thing that should be done is ask yourself why you have the love for the person you’re with? A better understanding of your heart and what it says should not be understated. For instance, does your heart beat for your partner? Do you feel totally devastated when he is not around? You should know the difference between love and infatuation. Blind love is not an option and shouldn’t be part of this equation.

More often than not there comes times when we see in our paths that one person that seemingly is for us, and we put ourselves in position to allow what we see to believe without full scrutiny. In all aspects of life we are generally judged by the choices we make, and in some cases by choices we DON’T make. Discernible options that are ours places us in precarious positions when we are not equipped to be prominent in those choices, and not positioned favorably to take advantage. With this in mind, we have to live in harmony with Christ’s mandate for holy matrimony. This is part of His Divine plan for our salvation. The gist of this essay then, are lessons derived at how we should make the right decisions, live the type of life that would exemplify good works, and allow self, family and community to be part of all of the aforementioned. The lessons gives opportunities for reconciliation and a better understanding choosing partners for life! But how can we go about the business of finding the ones apropos for good lifetime relationships?

Throughout history time has shown us what happens when we don’t go beyond status quo or look deep within in lieu of opting only for surface matters to color our palette. Having the right person in your life is liken to relating to that which is a deep metaphor for your soul to reverberate and be sharing of the things that God has envision for that person to be one with you. I will refer to thematic overview for subjective interpretation as ‘soul mates’ when referring to those that should align themselves for a congruent relationship.

Our soul mates are not progenitive to just the opposite sex, but can come from all walks of life. All things are not equal in degrees of development. There’s differences in the emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of how we choose our friends and  acquaintances. Sometimes these relationships can be intense depending on our souls connecting from the past without allowing it to undermine the advantages of futuristic progress as opposed to possessing a regressive mind. So the question still remains, how do you choose the right partner? I’ve formulated a few tips that I find to be important to help one understand the true essence of love and help you make decisions as to choosing the right soul mate.

Common Interests — For a compatible relationship the couple should have common interests…interests that both find engaging.  There should be no inhibitions or compromises. When two people have different interests, one person usually ends up sacrificing their desires for the other person in order to live a happy life, or end up living completely separate lives. Therefore to avoid any future complications and creating egotistical  issues, it’s better to analyze your interests and desires for a perfect match.

Ambitions — Never let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t pursue goals that may be ordained from God. Healthy ambition can help any relationship prosper. I find it so necessary to preserve your individuality and make it clear that you too, have a life and ambition worth the sake of the relationship. Find out whether your partner are comfortable with dual goal-setting initiatives.  Would your partner be willing to let you have that career you have always wanted?

Intellect — This is important and should be one of the things that you look for in choosing your soul mate. Does the intellect levels match?  It is very difficult to communicate with a dull or insensitive person who may not be willing to reason. Ask these questions to yourself: when you talk to him/her, are the wave lengths the same? How long does it take for questions to be answered adequately? Can the both of you really talk about absolutely anything? This may sound crazy but imagine living your entire life with someone who doesn’t understand you and who frustrates you to no end by lack of communication?

Principles — Deep-seated morals and ethics should be inherent in forming a base for truth and spiritual resolve. If one of you are resilient in this mode without your partner sharing the same sense of being, there will be problems in your relationship. Establishment in a strong belief system is paramount to stability  and must be straightened out before plunging into marriage.

The key to a better understanding in our choices is to know beyond reproach that having the ability to discern whom shall you trust, to what degree and how to manifest ‘thus sayeth the Lord’ precepts are important.  I’ve come to believe that all of our soul mates have one thing in common — they come into our lives to teach us lessons in compassion, forgiveness and in an unconditional love of ourselves and each other. Sometimes these relationships are challenging and painful; sometimes we are victimized; and sometimes we are the very ones who are prone to show the other person how to find the path back to the Godhead.  Once we know the definitive aspects of how soul mates can be positive and progressive in our lives, we will be better off in all things spiritual!

Friendiligence is one of those Internet buzzwords up for consideration to be added to the upcoming edition of the Merriman Webster Dictionary. Google it. It loosely means the time and energy used to establish and maintain friends and friend requests mainly on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace. As an author trying to navigate the vastness of the World Wide Web in order to market and promote my book, friendiligence most surely is an action verb. It is the type of action that can take the man hours of two full time jobs to complete effectively.

I must admit I haven’t been a very good friend this year, virtual or otherwise, being reprimanded by my oldest and dearest buddy for being aloof and insensitive because I told her about my mom’s surgery in a blanket Reply-All email. I’ve even been guilty of sending condolences in a text message, albeit, a sincere and well written text message. I had to check myself on that one. I would have pressed less characters dialing the ten digit number, speaking the sentiment to a live person and would have registered more sincerity points. I told myself that I can’t be that busy.

Bottom line, the people we interface with everyday in person and those we connect with through the Internet want to be treated like real friends, not spam. It takes due diligence to establish and maintain those connections. As an educator and citizen of the world I’m keenly aware that social skills and a certain amount of tooting your own horn (self-marketing and promotion) is the new literacy. Making connections with people is and will always be the most important skill set for every career path.

My pastor quoted last week that theoretically your less than five people away from getting in contact with anyone. Like six degrees of separation.  I contemplated the probability of getting my next novel, The Manual to Oprah’s producers as soon as I get it in galley form. Now, we are talking about people that on any giving day are in between attitude adjustments, reality checks and lattes. There are a lot of variables to take into consideration, but I think we’ve all witnessed a miracle in our own lives when everything aligns, you make that nearly impossible connection and doors open. Even if it only happens about as frequently as a total eclipse.

So there is something to this friendiligence thing. Verizon wireless says your service is only as good as the network your on. I think the key to success is rooted in what you already know about establishing good friendships. You learned it from Grandma. I have compiled a few do’s and don’ts to help you beef up your network.

Choose your friends wisely Momma didn’t let you just play with anyone. Many of us join these social networks to help build a brand or image. We shop through graphics, create slideshows and pimp our profiles to coincide with that image. You can’t accept everyone’s friend request. Do a little investigation to see if the potential friend meshes with your brand, image and values.

Check in What’s the matter? Did your fingers fall off? You can’t call, email of text a person? I was that person that used my email inbox as a caller id of sorts. I would see that some left me a message on My Space and think to myself, “That’s nice.” Or, screen my messages to see who I wanted to reply to. I figured out that it won’t shave time off my life to comment to a blog post about a new pet or to send out a birthday greetings. Remember it’s about connection. Relationships are reciprocal. I wouldn’t want to be guilty of calling on my friends only when I need something.

Treat others the way you want to be treated Before you capture gazillion friends or even capture that ma ny email address and inundate them with comments, bulletins and messages like a telemarketer, think about it. Do you like it when you return to your page and find a bulletin the size of Mt. Rushmore on your space (My Space). Similarly, you want other people to get a word in on your wall (Facebook) in between the continuous post of an overzealous cyberfriend. Less is more. Work on a brief constructive response.

Ask for help I admitted my weakness. Friendiligence was kickin’ my butt. A good friend of mine, Ella Curry, internet publicist, and founder and host of the Black Authors Network radio show sent me an email this summer that gave me an epiphany. It said that she had some assistants answering her accounts and that she was away from her business for a time and estimated the time she would get back to me. I appreciated the time line. At least I didn’t feel like I was being ignored. I found out later that she had hired some tech savvy teens in her family to help her keep up with emails and requests on her My Space account. I got to thinking about how empowering this was for a young person to be outsourced for certain administrative duties. This wasn’t your typical paper route and lemonade stand gig.  

Friendiligence, write it three times and use it in a sentence. I’m sorry, that’s the teacher in me. Social networking sites are not an accidental phenomenon. People are making the necessary contacts to get discovered, to gain exposure, and to stay connected. Friendiligence is not something you can just talk about. You have to be about it.

Sherryle Kiser Jackson is a fresh voice in Christian fiction. Her style reflects an honest commentary on her life with Christ. Soon and Very Soon is her debut novel. She anxiously awaits the publication of her second novel, The Manual, October 2009. Experience her too real to be preachy, Biblically based, out-the-Christian-box fiction at www.sherrylejackson.com or on www.Myspaceom.c/sherrylejackson

Chicago, IL (BlackNews.com) – As the country embarks on a mandate of relevant change, it is essential to look at the state of the "traditional" family structure within our communities. It is estimated that only 46% of African American families are likely to contain a married couple, making African Americans far more likely than Whites and Hispanics to be divorced.

While this information is not new (sources date back to the 2000 Census), the government has increasingly turned to faith-based solutions to identify principles that can impede and amend the grave state of relationships within the African American community. "The primary place in the Black community where relationships are forged and cultivated is the Black church," states Dr. Ja’Ola Walker. "Marriage and the family are institutions set up by God. Who better to teach that than the man of God or other leaders in the church?" adds Dr. Clarence Walker.

Drs. Clarence and Ja’Ola Walker understand firsthand the direct correlation between the church and successful marriages. For more than 30 years, the couple has ministered to African American families, sharing biblical principles for successful family life, single enrichment, and spiritual growth. Additionally, Dr. Clarence is a certified marriage and family therapist with a Ph.D. in Biblical Counseling and Dr. Ja’Ola has earned degrees in Counselor Education and Psychology.

The husband and wife duo are co-creators of the Circle of Contentment method, a system emphasizing healthy communication between married partners. This method is a component of their forthcoming marriage curriculum, For Christian Lovers Only, to be released by Chicago publisher UMI (Urban Ministries, Inc.) in June 2009.

For Christian Lovers Only is a research and faith-based curriculum that uses the Walker’s refreshing contemporary approach to ministry, solid preaching, and quality Bible teaching. Its goal is to engage and empower couples to discover God’s plan for their relationship.

The Walkers have appeared nationally on radio and television programs and have been featured speakers at conferences and seminars throughout the United States and the world. They live in Greater Philadelphia area where they are respected pastors. Visit them online at www.urbanministries.com/marriage.

For an interview with Drs. Clarence and Ja’Ola Walker, please contact Trudi Gentry at 708-868-7100 ext. 356 or marketing@urbanministries.com.

About UMI
For nearly 40 years, UMI has been the trusted source for teaching materials and inspirational book titles in the African American Christian church and consumer market and is the exclusive or semi-exclusive publisher for several different denominations. Our innovative approach has enabled us to serve over 41,000 churches across the United States, the Caribbean, and Africa. Learn more at www.urbanministries.com

SEX SELLS, BUT IS IT WORTH THE COST?

If sex sells, what’s the price tag? The estimated $3000 spent on pornography every second. Or perhaps for some it’s $200 an hour spent with a prostitute. Or could it be $5,000 for a 15-year-old Indian blushing bride via sex traffic. For others it could be 15 years of marriage traded in for a 15 minute fling. Maybe the stigma of being a baby’s momma or dead-beat dad. But then again the price could be that anxious wait for the results of a mysterious bump. The CDC states the cost this way. The leading cause for death for African American women between the ages of 25-34 is AIDS(1). Cheap sex can carry a high price tag. After a damaged psyche, wounded marriage, abused bodies & a cesspool of shameful secrets, sex starts to become very expensive. All of us could use some debt relief.

For the African American Church, God is providing relief through seven African-American Christian leaders in their media buzzing book Secret Sex Wars: A Battle Cry for Purity. God has used these seven brothers, writing to their brothers, to produce the #1 Amazon bestseller in Christian sexual ethics. Why the buzz and success? Because Secret Sex Wars is inspiring, practical, redemptive, and liberating. This rare tool trains Christian men to use their Swords to slay the fiery beast of sexual immorality.

After a Bible conference in 2006 Pastor Robert Scott, general editor, along with co-authors, H. B. Charles, Paul Felix, Carl Hargrove, Brian Kennedy, Anthony Kidd and Victor Sholar, realized that Christian men both wanted and needed support in their secret battles against temptation. "In our counseling sessions the greatest need we were finding are people desiring to overcome various types of sexual snares and temptations," says Scott. No genuine Christian man wants to be overrun by the seeming endless attacks he must endure against his pursuit of holiness, but battling against sexual temptation is such a personal matter, where can a man turn for support? The co-authors of Secret Sex Wars have an answer. One of the best places for men to find encouragement would be in the privacy of a simple to read yet thoroughly biblical and practical book.

Reviewers have called Secret Sex Wars A Battle Cry for Purity "biblical, practical, clear and timely," Dr. Charles Ware. Dennis Rainey, president of Family Life says this of the book: "Whether you find yourself in the thick of the battle, or you desire to help others, this book will point you clearly to the only place where real help is found – God’s word."

The result is a book that is relevant for teenagers and adults people of all races and incomes. But with all contributors serving in the African-American community, which is riddled with the highest incidence of STDs and deaths from AIDS in the nation, their prayer is for this book to gain a wide reading in the African American community. "The AIDS epidemic is horrific," Scott concludes. "It should shock everyone that the leading cause of death for African American woman between the ages 25-34 is AIDS."

In a world that promotes promiscuity, Secret Sex Wars: A Battle Cry for Purity is dedicated to promoting the sex safe that God intended. God’s way is less costly and in the long run a whole lot better. Secret Sex Wars not only raises the battle cry that "It’s time we learn how to resist sexual temptation," but it delivers a winning strategy that shows Christians how to live holy victorious lives.

For more information, go to www.SecretSexWars.com. Read the compelling endorsements about Secret Sex Wars, hear the inspiring messages from the authors, and utililze their powerful resources. For review copies and interviews, contact Lori Raschke, lori.raschke@moody.edu or call 312-329-2163. Book available at fine stores nationwide and on Amazon.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jamie Morgan is a writer who has been living in Chicago for the past three years. She is a regular freelancer for the award winning magazine the Korean American Journal (www.koreamjournal.com) and Creating Community Connections (www.creatingcommunityconnections.org), which is a alternative online paper focusing on Chicago neighborhoods. She can be reach via email at jamiewrites@hotmail.com.

1. HIV/AIDS among Women http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/women/resources/factsheets/women.htm, accessed October 6, 2008.