Build A Strong Marriage: Erect Boundaries With Friends of the Opposite Sex

For years as single people we have been urged to foster lasting relationships, be open, honest and learn to communicate our needs clearly and effectively in preparation for our spouse. However, once we’ve received that special person into our lives that we wish to cherish, share our hopes and dreams with and connect with on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level, most of us haven’t been taught beyond that. We haven’t been taught how or when to break ties with or “cool down” some former relationships that may be detrimental to the budding marriage covenant itself. Of course, we’re talking about being friends with those of the opposite sex.

In this day and age you may not think that men and women being friends is an issue because society is so free about what it readily accepts and people think nothing of seeing a married woman sitting in a quaint café, joking and playfully touching a male that isn’t her spouse. But as those of the faith we have to learn to nurture that which we so prayerfully desire. We want to believe that men and women can be just friends—and they can. We’d like to think that once married, neither spouse should have to give up their carefully cultivated friendships with those of the opposite sex in lieu of the marriage itself—and they don’t. There are just serious boundaries that need to be erected to make sure that the emotional needs of the two in the covenant are being fed by each other and not by an outside party.

Bruce Wilkinson, the author of Prayer The of Jabez teaches a marriage seminar on “Leaving and Cleaving” according to Genesis 2:24 that instructs married people on proper behavior for couples. The Word says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” The definition of cleaving is: to adhere closely, stick, to cling and to remain faithful. Respectfully a couple is not fully “cleaving” if their physical assistance, mental fortitude or emotions are often found outside of the home remedying someone else’s problems and creates issues within their own relationship.

While we may believe that God implores us to be givers and to do good to our neighbors and enemies, none of that supercedes Genesis 2:24 in which we are instructed to “cling” to our mate. Furthermore the Word implores us, “Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil,” (Romans 14:16 KJV). Your midnight assistance at a friend’s house may be good-natured, but a better option might be to have them call the proper authorities if they have a safety or health issue and check in with them by phone. Sure, it may seem a little secluded to function this way, but God’s Biblical laws and statutes were designed to keep the marriage solid and intact and the enemy completely out.

M. Gary Neuman a noted marriage counselor and the author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Marriage says, “You don’t have to have sex with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as—and at times even more—destructive to your marriage.” He goes on to share, “We forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the marriage [especially] when that same energy can be used to relate to our own spouse”. Meaning, lunch at that new Thai restaurant or Steakhouse that you’ve been eager to try shouldn’t be something you experience for the first time with a co-worker or a friend of the opposite sex. Your marriage and the covenant promise are rooted in discovering new things together and growing as a spiritual unit. No matter how tempted, when it comes to offers presented to you by other people, a new restaurant or grand opening of a gourmet food store is a chance to grow and build memories between you and your spouse—otherwise as a runner up or second thought, it diminishes the excitement of the experience for them.

In my non-fiction book The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate I urge readers to do what they know is Biblically right. How we are to govern ourselves in a marriage is in the scriptures. Keeping your marriage thriving takes constant effort and the Word is our guide. Christian couples should never allow friends carte blanche when it comes to their time or resources and you should never become so exhausted helping others that you have little or no time left over for your spouse. Marriage requires DAILY nurturing. God didn’t designate your husband or wife to be a spare wheel or to glean what you have leftover to give after you’ve been a “giver” to everybody else all day long. Remember, cleave to your spouse—that means that nobody comes before them, not parents, career, friends or extracurricular activities.

Just as sure as God desires for you to feel safe with the person He has entrusted you to, it is His desire for them to feel safe with you. It’s hard to feel that safety when you’re wondering what a friend of the opposite sex [whether they’re married or not] calling late at night for consolation from your spouse truly means. Friends should never come to depend on you or your spouse exclusively either. If you have friends of the opposite sex that you converse with regularly that have never engaged your spouse in conversation, let alone met them face to face—you are in error! We should never find ourselves at any level having an isolated relationship with someone that doesn’t include our spouse. Anything that excludes one spouse is a potential set up. Once you are married all of your friendships become a “package deal”. They don’t get just you or your spouse, they accept both of you, greet both of you, extend “hellos” on the telephone to both of you and include you both in any invites or activities.

So, how do we get past the awkwardness and uncomfortable feeling that our spouse can get about the camaraderie with our friends of the opposite sex and realign the boundaries and secure our personal commitment to our mate? Lunch, dinner, church socials, trips to the mall, office parties, company picnics and other functions should always include our significant other. With the aggressive society we live in, no matter how long you’ve been friends with someone it is impossible to know every notion that may have crossed their minds. Often too late, many discover that a friend of the opposite sex was simply maintaining a friendship until a more appealing option presented itself. That’s why your spouse’s presence is so very important. It reinforces to any “mustard seed hopefuls” that they don’t have a chance because your loyalty lies elsewhere.

Those like me that advocate feeding the marriage and starving any opposition to the marriage warn against, “disclosing marital strife and unresolved issues to a coworker or friend” as well as “Traveling together alone with a coworker or friend of the opposite sex,” or “Social kisses” (the mouth is an intimate organ). Researchers have also noted that many affairs begin between men and women with safe marriages at home and close friendships at work. As they regularly meet for coffee breaks and lunch, these relationships develop into deep friendships. Coworkers come to depend on these coffee rendezvous, and soon they have emotional work friendships and crumbling marriages. Dr. Shirley Glass author of Not Just Friends shares, “Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity,” and that “Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, ‘just a friend.’” From 1991 to 2000, Glass discovered in her practice that 50 percent of the unfaithful women and about 62 percent of unfaithful men she treated were involved with someone from work.

You can eliminate the problems before they arise by demoting the friendships a notch and promoting your spouse. If you let friends believe that things are going to be the same way with you now that you’re married as it was when you were single, it will be tougher for them to respect any boundaries that you try to erect later on. Prevent yourself from becoming a crutch to your friends. If they always want you to lend them your ear, learn to draw the line at some point and leave the counseling to the professionals. An occasional word of encouragement to a friend is all right as we are called to uplift each other, but it should not become a weekly pep rally or gab session where you are guiding your friend’s life and they can’t make a decision without checking in with you first.

What we all need to grasp here is that when you as a friend provide a sympathetic ear to friends of the opposite sex they can slowly begin to fashion you as the perfect mate in their mind without you even knowing it (especially if their own relationship is crumbling). The thoughts start with, “He/She is so attentive, sweet, helpful and they’re always available when I need them.” They can come to rely on your daily phone calls; it nurtures them, brightens their day and then in a weird twist they can begin to believe that they have claims on your time. Thus, we need to err on the side of caution and keep any possible intrusions at arms length while we nurture the true love that we were given.

It’s truly not about being under the watchful eye of an insecure spouse, because the majority of the time the issue isn’t insecurity or jealousy at all, but rather feelings that stem from what your spouse may feel is your friend’s inappropriateness and disrespect for the marriage covenant. Imagine that its like having the seed of a beautiful flower you hope will one day bloom that you just planted in fertile soil, you’ve barely covered it over and watered it before its dug up by someone else seeking “attention” before it (the seed) has had a chance to form roots, push itself up from the earth and grow towards the sun. Understand that your friends of the opposite sex won’t approach you with a fork tongue, horns and a pointy tail, but we need to realize that sometimes the friends that you’ve had prior to marriage can on some level feel territorial. It’s not always in the speech, sometimes it’s in the way they “need” you in the middle of the night and expect you to drop everything like you did when you were single.

In all fairness, I’m not for a second saying that all male-female relationship are premeditated, but when we enter into a marriage we still need to put personal feelings aside and heed 1 Thessalonians that says, “Abstain from all appearance of evil,” apply it to our everyday lives and make sure that if there are any improper actions that we are quick to hold our friends accountable. We can defend our friends (because we’ve known them for so long) and leave our spouse feeling “uncovered” and “exposed” by saying, “he/she didn’t mean anything by that,” instead of making it clear to your friend(s) in an appropriate manner what kind of kidding and joking will and won’t be tolerated. It is all right to say to a friend, “Listen, my husband/wife is uncomfortable with it when you…” A true friend, who is happy for you and has no selfish motives, will respect that and govern themselves accordingly.

A healthy marriage is a beautiful thing and the institution should never be entered into lightly. You should go into it fully understanding that and requiring that everyone in your circle understands how much you value it. The Word says, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder,” (Mark 10:9). Like the vinedresser in the vineyard we have to be prepared to realize that with our friends if need be we may have to cut ties a few wayward branches that have the potential to ruin a very fruitful harvest.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Linda Dominique Grosvenor has made her foray into non-fiction with the runaway bestseller The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate. Her expertise on dating and relationship issues has been used in articles for publications such as Modern Bride, Jolie, Jewel, Honey and MORE Magazine. A tireless advocate Grosvenor is also the co-founder of the Love Better Camp a non-profit organization that is dedicated to aiding individuals and families in learning to love better, which can improve their overall quality of life. Log on and visit her official website at www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com and for more information on her ministry check out www.ThePluralThing.com and www.LoveBetterCamp.com.

April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month

For the past twenty years, I’ve worked as a community public health educator. After obtaining my Masters in Public Health, I opted against working for the health department.  Instead, I decided to go into the drenches, teaching underserved communities the importance of preventative health. Every day, I interact with individuals who struggle with chronic diseases and wage war to find quality treatment within a fractured healthcare system. Despite their failures and the socio-economic deterrents woven around their lives, many have fought to overcome issues we couldn’t wrap two thoughts around. Why? Someone came along and dared to love them during the most hideous time in their lives. So when I threw my hat into the literary ring, I drew upon these real-life experiences. Hence, my stories deal with real-life health or social issues. 

The premise for my latest release, If I Were Your Woman deals with cancer.  Soon after the leading male character meets the love of his life, he’s diagnosed with testicular cancer. Needless to say, this news prompts a series of challenges and conflicts for the couple. April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month and every man and for that fact, woman should become acquaint with six key areas of this disease: (1) what is testicular cancer (2) the detection of testicular cancer (3) the symptoms of testicular cancer (4) how is testicular cancer diagnosed (5) the treatment of testicular cancer and (6) the prevention and screening treatments for testicular cancer.

1. What is testicular cancer?

· Testicular cancer is a disease in which cells become malignant (cancerous) in one or both testicles.

Testicular cancer accounts for only one percent of all cancers in men in the United States. Annually, 8000 men are diagnosed, and approximately 390 will die from the disease. The occurrence of testicular cancer is seen in men between the ages of 20 and 39, and is the most common cancer in men between the ages of 15 and 34.  Testicular cancer is most common in White men of Scandinavian descent.  However, the rate of this disease has double in White men in the past 40 years and has recently begun to increase in African-American men, although the incidence between the racial occurrences remains unknown.  

2. The detection of testicular cancer

Most men don’t feel ill nor do they report any symptoms associated with testicular cancer. Hence, it is important for men to perform a monthly TSE (testicular self examination). This exam is painless and is an excellent tool for men to recognize any changes of their testicles. A TSE involves holding each testicle between the thumbs and fingers of both hands and gently rolling it between the fingers. Men should pay particular attention to any hard lumps within the testicles or changes in the way it feels. 

3. The symptoms of testicular cancer:

· Pain or swelling in the testicles

· Lumps or nodules in the testicles, whether painful or not

· Enlargement of the testicles or changes in the way the testicles feels

· Pain in the lower abdomen, back or groin

· Swelling in the scrotum or collection of fluid within the scrotum

It is important to note that there are other benign conditions, which can be associated with the symptoms listed above. 

Do not self-diagnosis any medical condition! You can’t be sure whether you have testicular cancer or not based on symptoms alone.  That’s why it’s important for men to see a health care provider immediately if they experience any of these symptoms. 

Remember, when detected early, testicular cancer is highly curable with a cure rate in excess of 90%.

4. Diagnosis of testicular cancer:

Testicular cancer is mostly commonly diagnosed through a testicular ultrasound.  This ultrasound is 100% accurate in differentiating testicular cancer from other possible diagnosis. A testicular ultrasound determines the density, size and shape of a testicular mass.  In most cases, when a solid testicular mass is discovered, it is a sign of a tumor since most testicular conditions involve fluid build-up. 

5. Treatment of testicular cancer:

There are several ways to treat testicular cancer.  The most common way starts with an orchiectomy, which is the surgical procedure to remove the testicular mass.  Once removed, the mass is sent to a pathologist to determine if it is indeed malignant and if so, the stage of the cancer. Other treatment options include: Retroperitoneal Lymph Node Dissection, Chemotherapy, Radiation and Surveillance.

6. Prevention and screening treatments for testicular cancer:

There is no standard or routine screening test for the early detection of testicular cancer. Also, there are no proven ways to prevent testicular cancer.  However, performing monthly TSE’s and knowing the symptoms of testicular cancer increases the possibility of detecting the disease at an early stage, when it’s most curable.

Until next time – stay well and be blessed!!

LaConnie
www.laconnietaylorjones.com

Atlanta, GA (BlackNews.com) — Women’s health advocacy is making tremendous strides, with government, foundations, non-profits and private industry leading the charge for greater awareness and treatment of health conditions impacting women. But unfortunately the same intensity has not been unleashed to adequately address health problems for men.

While outreach efforts have raised the awareness of breast cancer, urged women to seek proper prenatal care and lead to critical research into the major health problems of women, there seems overall to be far less advocacy for men. As a result, there has been far slower progress at addressing the chronic illnesses disproportionately striking men.

In fact, the health conditions of African American men exemplify the disparity, with black men experiencing some of the poorest health outcomes of any demographic in American society. The National Center for Health Statistics says life expectancy for a black male child born in 2004 is 69.5 years, compared with 75.7 years for white males born the same year.

To be sure, the statistics tell a bleak story about the health outcomes of African American men. Black men have higher death rates than women for all the leading causes of death. Moreover, black men suffer from higher rates of prostate cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, stroke and other chronic illnesses.

The reasons for these disparities range from the impact of racial discrimination to poor access to healthcare services to the barriers caused by poverty to a lack of information about preventive care and many other factors.

What’s clear, however, is that if research, preventive awareness and unhealthy behavior for men are ever going to change, it will take an advocacy effort similar to what feminists did for the women’s health movement. Clearly, it was the campaign by women’s activists that changed the nation’s attitude towards women’s health. Now, the same is needed to help change health outcomes for men.

In parts of the country, there are advocacy programs that are making a difference. In 2008, the Lorain (Ohio) County Branch of National Urban League in partnership with Community Voices: Healthcare for the Underserved at Morehouse School of Medicine and Pfizer launched a Save Ours Sons program for 42 African American males.

The program’s objective was to develop a national, replicable health education model to reduce diabetes and obesity in African-American men, as well as connect program participants with comprehensive primary healthcare providers. The six-week program had a tremendous impact. At the start of the program only eight participants had a regular physician. After the intervention, 29 had a primary care physician. In addition, there were other healthy results. For instance, the participants:

* Increased exercise levels (98% exceeded goal of 150 min/week)
* Decreased obesity and overweight status by 7%
* Decreased hypertension by 23%
* Increased health insurance enrollment by more than 58%
* Increased local media attention about African-American men’s health by 400%.

Meanwhile, in Detroit the 100 Black Men of Greater Detroit, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan and the American Cancer Society joined together to sponsor an awareness campaign aimed at reducing deaths from prostate cancer. Members of 100 Black Men are visiting locations in the community, such as churches, barbershops and community centers to distribute information about prostate cancer, while giving advice on how to improve their overall health.

Programs, such as these, are helping in local communities. But advocacy for improving the health of men also must become a national cause.

It’s time for men’s health to become a top priority for the nation.

Dr. Henrie M. Treadwell is director of Community Voices of Morehouse School of Medicine, an organization working to improve health services and health-care access for all. Dr. Clare Xanthos is senior researcher of Community Voices. Media seeking interviews with Dr. Treadwell or Dr. Clare Xanthos please contact Nicole Germain at 443-540-3121 or ngermain@mjgcommunications.com to schedule.

“…it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.” ~1 Peter 1:16

What does holy mean? I did some research and found that it is defined as having a moral standard of living, Christ-like in character, separate, pure, set apart. It was defined in spiritual terms, as a spiritual position or state of being. And while I agree with those definitions, I think too often we think that holiness is merely a spiritual thing. Meaning, if we attend church, read our bibles, serve in ministry, don’t cuss or drink, or commit other sins (that we’re aware of), we believe we have achieved holiness. Today I’d like to discuss another side to holy living; the reality that to be like Christ, we have to attend to not just the spiritual, but the physical.

The word says in 1 Corinthians 6:19 “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.” It goes on to tell us in the 20^th verse of the same chapter that we were bought with a price; to honor God with our bodies. If we are going to be Christ-like we must honor him not just with our spirits, but with our physical temples as well.

Many of us, try as we like, are only half-holy. We know the word. We haven’t skipped over this scripture in the bible, so what keeps us from taking care of the Lord’s temple? What is really holding us back from the place of complete holiness to God? I think it’s our hungry hearts and our aching spirits.

Despite the billions spent on diet and health products, Americans are more overweight than ever. The problem of obesity is epidemic. The solutions of diet and exercise are not the singular remedy. The root cause has to be addressed to really get a handle on the problem. It’s not just a love of food, or a lack of discipline. We like to blame it on those things because we often don’t like to talk about the real reasons we overeat. Usually they’re intensely personal. Here are a few:

• We need comfort when we’re stressed, tired or overworked. We know this, because we call the foods we reach for comfort foods.
• We are depressed or anxious.
• We need to anesthetize pain from abuse: current or past. Self-medication.
• Boredom. Our lives are unfulfilled.

We have to break these cycles of destructive behavior or they will destroy us. Obesity, irregular insulin levels, fatty levels in the blood all beat the temple God has given us down to a battered pulp. Then what do we do with our battered bodies? The battered body is sluggish and tired. It doesn’t want to go to mid week services, or even interact with its children. The battered body doesn’t want to make love to its spouse. It’s too beat up to enjoy life fully. Additionally there are obesity related diseases like diabetes, heart diseases, certain cancers, joint deterioration and more aliments that tear at the temple and keep us from being whole in our physical person.

In my novel, Secrets and Lies, the character Jonah Morgan is not overeating, but he is using another unhealthy coping mechanism: alcohol, and lots of it. Jonah’s heart is hungry for a relationship with Christ; his spirit is aching from the burden of un-forgiveness. His childhood pain is tearing him apart, so much so that he has completely checked out emotionally and physically on his family. He can’t sleep at night. He’s tired. His hungry heart and aching spirit have created a battered body.

Jonah’s alcoholism is an unhealthy, addictive behavior. So is overeating. Anything we do in excess is gluttony. Gluttony is the sin that keeps us from achieving true holiness. If you’re overweight or you engage in some other activity that negatively affects you physically, get at the root cause of your problem. Find out what’s eating you before it literary gobbles you up.

Let’s discuss this. Have you ever compared substance abuse to overeating? Do you think this comparison is accurate? Can a person’s heart be completely surrendered to God if they have an eating problem? Share why you agree or disagree. Feel free to share your testimony in this area or a plan for change.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rhonda McKnight is the owner of Legacy Editing, a free-lance editing service for fiction writers and Urban Christian Fiction Today, a popular Internet site that highlights African-American Christian fiction. She’s the vice-president of Faith Based Fiction Writers of Atlanta. When she’s not editing projects, teaching workshops about writing or penning her next novel, she spends time with her family. Originally from a small, coastal town in New Jersey, she’s called Atlanta, Georgia home for twelve years. For more information, visit http://www.RhondaMcKnight.net.

In many cultures scars are beautiful—they denote honor and standing. Through intricate patterns, man-made scars share the story, the timeline, and history of the one who bears them.

But I didn’t grow up in one of those places. I was born in Texas and grew up in Illinois . And though some people may consider Texas wild and the Midwest no man’s land, in both those places scars are not considered a good thing. Growing up with four brothers, I always seemed to be falling down—on my knees, my elbows, my chin, and I even gashed my ankle up pretty good. My mother invested in a lot of cocoa butter, rubbing that chocolate-smelling hard fat on my wounds, hoping that her only daughter wouldn’t be a scarred up mess that would bring shame on the family. “Be careful now.” Pain and worry made her frown. “You don’t want to wear stockings and have scars showing through.”

When I was a girl, wearing sheer stockings was a right of passage. Stockings meant everybody could see your legs, it meant attention from boys, and it meant someday there would be a trip down the aisle. But not if your knees were scarred; no one wanted to see dark marks and raised, torn skin. I would have to be perfect for anyone to want me.

The truth is that I was scarred and I worked harder at covering those scars than at anything else I did in my life. My family was financially stable and did all the right things—went to church, marched in parades—but just beneath the surface . . .

I learned to be a keeper of secrets—at least I used to be. Others in my family were brought out as symbols of my family’s beauty and accomplishment. But I was the hidden librarian of my family’s shame, failure, fear, broken-heartedness, anger, and depression.

My career, like meth for a junkie, helped dull the pain. If I could just get more—more money and a longer title–that would cover the shame and make everything better . . .

It took me years to realize that my own scars–the ones on my body, on my heart, and on my spirit–that make me beautiful.

ABOUT SISTAHFAITH

Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people? (Jeremiah 8:22, NIV)

Twenty-five women, including Bunny Debarge, Sharon Ewell Foster, Stanice Anderson, Claudia Mair Burney and Marilynn Griffith, tell their stories of coming full circle from tragedy to triumph. Each contributor keeps it holy, keeping it real in these raw, relevant tales of redemption and restoration. Think of it as Prozac for the Christian Woman’s Soul!

A twelve week study is included for churches and book clubs. Instructions provided on gathering your own SistahFaith circle.

Join the network of sistahs at http://sistahfaith.ning.com/.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sharon Ewell Foster is an acclaimed author, speaker, and teacher. She has contributed to Daily Guideposts, Tavis Smiley’s Keeping the Faith, and to the Women of Color Devotional Bible. Her achievements include: the Christy Award, the Gold Pen Award, the Romantic Times Best Inspirational, Publisher’s Weekly starred reviews and the Essence Bestseller List. Sharon also ghostwrote a NYT bestselling novel. Visit her on the web at www.SharonEwellFoster.com.

Why self-esteem and what is it exactly?

Self esteem is the extent to which we like, respect and accept ourselves. It reflects our overall evaluation or appraisal of our self worth. It encompasses our beliefs, emotions and behavior. However, many people operate from the perspective of what others think of them and it fuels a cycle of dissatisfaction and discontentment. Instead of finding peace within themselves and being the unique and distinct person God created them to be, they live a life based on who they think others want them to be. As a result then of achieving high self esteem they find their self esteem constantly under attack.

It has been said that 2 out of 3 people at any given time suffers from low self esteem, and low self esteem can negatively affect every part of our lives. If the negativity goes unaddressed, it can completely ruin our lives. If at the core of it all is low self esteem, we must address this issue if we want to live joyous, productive, and purposeful lives as God intended. From my experience it all starts with changing the way we think. The way we think is essential to winning over negativity and boosting self esteem.

Why is self-esteem important to you?

Self esteem is important to me because after dealing with a difficult separation and divorce, I found myself struggling to rebuild my self esteem. That whole experience had taken me down a road of despair and depression like I had never experienced before. High self esteem had never been a problem for me so when life became difficult and it challenged me to question myself, I was completely thrown for a loop. It caused me to question my self- worth and value, and in the end I really struggled with accepting myself. I started thinking something must be wrong with me.

Now, based on the Word of God I knew this wasn’t true but I still struggled. Once I was able to regain my confidence and repair the damage to my self esteem, I begin to see that I had gotten lost in my emotions when it really was about what was going on in my head. High self esteem starts with what we think! Of course, sometimes we suffer from ‘thinking stinking’ and that can present a different set of issues; overall, I learned that to develop high self esteem we must examine what we think because that is what shapes our perspective and allows us to accept ourselves along with the challenges of life from a more positive perspective than negative one. That’s why I focused my book on positive affirmations for accepting me.

What can a person do to build high self-esteem?

I would recommend starting with what I call my ACCEPT Principles:

A – Learn to accept your strengths and weaknesses. As humans we are a work in progress. Everyone has an up side to who they are and a down side. It is our down side that continues to remind us of our humanity and keeps us seeking to be better and do better. Often our weaknesses are just unguarded strengths that we must continue to manage them if it is something we can’t change but our weaknesses DO NOT make us a bad person.

C – Concentrate on the positives. It is real easy to focus on the negative and our world is full of them. However, to focus on the positives it starts with making a choice to do so. From there you make a commitment to release any and all negativity; negative thoughts, negative emotions and negative relations. The Bible says ‘think on these things …whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, and whatever is of good report.’

C – Connect to your passion and you’ll connect to your purpose. Find the things in life that you are really passionate about and involve yourself in them. That will do more to help you have the confidence that you need to succeed and win over any adversity life presents. Also you will notice how much happier your life will be because of it.

P – Persevere. It has been said when the going gets tough the tough gets going. In this life we will have trouble, as the Bible tells us so we must hold fast to the faithfulness of God and His promises to never leave us alone. When tough times now come my way, I often affirm and encourage myself with the scripture that says ‘this too shall pass.’

T – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your understanding. We may not see the hand of God at work but we must trust that He is at work on our behalf. That is called the providence of God.

If the ACCEPT Principles helps us build high self-esteem, what helps us maintain it?

Here are seven simple steps that we all can do every day. Building or rebuilding self esteem is the most difficult. Maintaining high self esteem is a lot easier if we implement these steps.

1. Smile often to yourself and to others. Greet others when you see them and ask how they are and how their day is going. This helps build positive relationships with others.

2. Eliminate the negative. When a negative thought enters your mind, stop and immediately counter it with a positive thought about the same subject.

3. Be nice to others and be nice to yourself. Conversely, don’t degrade others and don’t degrade yourself.

4. Face your fears and forget your failures (after learning from them). Focus on your achievements and successes. Reward yourself when you succeed.

5. Quit thinking about trying to be perfect. No one is, so just accept that as it is. Don’t be too competitive and don’t compare yourself with others.

6. Don’t worry about what others think of you. Just be the best you that you can be.

7. Hang out with positive and optimistic people who also have high self esteem and self confidence. But when you are around negative people, try to direct your positive and optimistic thoughts in their direction. Don’t let them pull down your level of self confidence or self esteem.

Can you be a good person, a successful person, and still struggle with maintaining good self esteem?

Absolutely! Life happens to us all. Having high self esteem or good self esteem doesn’t exempt us from the trails and challenges of life. It does, however, puts us in a better situation to deal with them when they come.

Maintaining our esteem is easy but it is work. Sometimes our struggle comes because we are not putting in the work of being true to ourselves and what brings us satisfaction, joy and contentment. Remember, self esteem is not about our successes or failures but how we feel, see and accept ourselves. Living in a such a competitive and negative world that is constantly trying to get us to be something other than want we are can present be exhausting.

Does the focus on building and maintaining high esteem cause people to develop a false sense of security based on feelings that may not match reality?

I don’t think so. Self-esteem is a very powerful thing to have. When you have healthy self-esteem you are a more confident person, you are better at dealing with life disappointments, you build friendship with others more easily, you perform better in school and overall experience a more fulfilling life. It is an individual’s perspective on how they see themselves. No one can take that away or define that for the individual.

I guess any one of us could have a warped sense of ourselves but that wou
ld
be an indication of low self esteem.

Tell us about the creative process of writing this book?

Initially, I started writing a book on leadership but as I started the process, I kept coming back to this issue of self esteem. How can we lead others if we are struggling to lead ourselves? The more I reflected on that I started to reflect on my own personal experiences not only in the area of leadership but self esteem in general. That lead me to start writing down what had helped me get to the path I’m on today. What things did I have to do to overcome my fears, deal with the challenges life had presented to me and manage my emotions. These are all essential elements of being a good leader as well as having good self esteem.

In the end, I ended up writing over hundred affirmations that has been broken down into two volumes under the title of “When I Accepted Me.” We’ve just release volume 1 and volume 2 will be released in 2010. I divided them up into two volumes because I wanted to give people an opportunity to really reflect and internalize each affirmation to boost their self esteem. I’ve suggested to people to just take one a week (that’s why there are 52 of them) and internalize that one. Pray on it, see how it reflects in your life; maybe use it as a guide to write your own for that week.

I’ve encouraged some people to take on the 52 day challenge of reading one every day for 52 days straight and see if their perspective isn’t changed for the good at the end of it. Again, it is all about what is going on in our heads and when we receive positive information inwardly, we respond with positive behavior outwardly that leads to success in life …however, you may define success.

How can people get the book and what is some of the feedback you’ve received so far?

My book can be ordered from my website at www.sonjasamuel.com. It would be a great way to start the year and to recharge for the coming year. We are extending it at our special introduction offer of $14.95 because we want to get the book out into as many hands as possible. For me it is a tool for empowering others which is my personal mission in life.

It makes a great gift book for your friends, family and coworkers. I just gave them out as stocking stuffers and will be sending many out for Valentine’s Day as a way of saying I love and affirm you.

I have really enjoyed the feedback from people on how it has been such a pick me up for them when their emotions started to get the best of them and send them into a downward spiral.

One lady said she carries it around in her purse and when her day starts going south and she is ready to stick it to someone, she whips out her book, reads a few affirmation and it gets her back on track.

A lady told me about her husband that lost his mother this year and has been struggling emotionally. She said about once or twice a week she sees him reading through each page. She said she knows he’s gone through the whole book at least four or five times and she can see the difference it has made in his emotional health in dealing with the lost of his mother.

Fairfax, VA (BlackNews.com) — The Gates Millennium Scholarship Program, funded by a grant from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, was established to provide outstanding low income minority students with an opportunity to complete an undergraduate college education in any discipline area of interest.

Continuing scholars may request funding for a graduate degree program in one of the following discipline areas: education, engineering, library science, mathematics, public health or science.

In addition to increasing access to higher education for these underrepresented groups, GMS also provides leadership training. Through participation in a comprehensive leadership development program, Scholars enhance academic and leadership skills, which prepare them to assume important roles in their professions and in their communities.

The deadline for the upcoming scholarship awards is January 11, 2010.

To apply, visit www.blackstudents.com/billgates

7 STEPS TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM

What is financial freedom? More than just a dollar amount on your paycheck, financial freedom is a state of mind. It’s the comfort of knowing you’re debt-free. Getting started with eliminating debt is easier than you think. If you follow these seven simple steps, you’ll be on your way.

1. Change the way you look at money – renew your mind!

We tend to think of money as the enemy, a scapegoat for all of our financial woes. Learn to look at money as a means to living comfortably, not the cause of your struggles. Ultimately, we are the ones who decide where our money goes. It’s not like dollar bills sprout legs and go buy a new TV, right? Money discussions can be uncomfortable for many married couples, but talking is an important first step. A good book on this is “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” by T. Harv Eker or “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki.

2. Get out of debt – owe no man anything!

Living with debt is more than a financial drain and mounting interest. It’s also constant worrying over whether you can pay your bills. Here’s the most effective (and simple) way to tackle your debt:

Start by paying off the credit card with highest interest rate. Set some specific goals here. How much extra can you pay each month? Always make more than the minimum payment. Once that card has been paid off, start working on the bill with the next highest interest. Throughout this process, you should be paying the minimum on all of the credit card bills you have. Check out this free e-course on getting out of debt (http://www.youneedabudget.com/index.php#order).

3. Don’t create any more debt – be a wise steward!

Now that you credit card balance is down to zero, you want to keep it that way. To remain debt-free, all you have to do is spend less than you take in. Easier said than done? Maybe. This is another opportunity to have a good heart-to-heart talk with your spouse about both of your spending habits.

Some people recommend cutting up all your credit cards. However, keeping one credit card as a safety net in case of emergency is perfectly fine. Keep only one card, take it out of your wallet, and put it some place less accessible – such as your family’s fire safe. The time it takes to get out the card will serve as a “cooling off” period.

4. Create a budget – count the cost!

Budget can be an unpleasant word – like ‘diet’. But don’t think of it as depriving yourselves – think of it as investing in yourselves. Which sounds better: one dinner at your favorite steak house or going to be every night knowing you’re debt-free? Think of your budget as an opportunity to cast a vision together as a couple. What’s important to both of you? Your spending should reflect your values, what you hold most dear in your heart. Here’s a simple software program you can use for creating and keeping your budget together (http://www.youneedabudget.com/index.php#order).

5. See where it goes – make a list and check it twice!

For an entire month, track everything you both spend money on – down to the last penny. Evaluate whether you are prone to making impulse purchases. Also, look at whether advance planning will help. For instance, plan your meals at least a week in advance. Multiple trips to the grocery store mean multiple opportunities for impulse purchases.

6. Start saving – plan for the future!

Build yourselves a nice cushion of cash. After you’ve lowered your debt and begun living on a budget, you should money to put into a savings account each month. When an emergency arises, you’ll have cash to cover the expenses – no need to borrow money or use a credit card.

Seek wise counsel about different kinds of accounts you can use to save money tax-free. For example, you can contribute to a 401(k) and steadily build a nice nest egg – and the difference in your net paycheck is so small you might not even notice it.

You’re not limited to stocks, bonds, and savings accounts, either. There are a lot of pretty creative ways to save money that you might not have considered before. Check out www.liveoutloud.com for some great ideas.

7. Get insurance – get yourself into good hands!

If you don’t both have enough health insurance, one accident or illness could devastate you financially. Even if you have insurance through work, evaluate whether it’s enough to prevent a financial crisis. Consider getting supplemental insurance if you believe you’re underinsured. Also, don’t overlook disability insurance. Should you find yourself unable to work, debt is guaranteed to mount. You might think extra insurance is too expensive – but you’re wrong! For most young adults, life insurance and disability insurance cost less than a dollar a day. You’ll never know unless you ask – so call around and start learning about your options.

Small changes add up quickly. Don’t let bad money habits wreck your marriage. You’ve got to both be committed to this goal if you’re going to make it happen. Financial freedom is closer than you think. Don’t wait a minute longer to achieve your dream – start on these seven steps today!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

© Jewell R. Powell, the Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. For more information, visit www.marriage101.us